How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty

5 phrases from “Why Is It So Hard to Say No”

Each phrase has a plain explanation and real lines from the show. Tap “Hear it” to jump to that moment.

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00:00Intro

MiaHello and welcome to Cocoa English Podcast!

MiaRyan, let me ask you a question.

MiaHave you ever had a Friday evening where you were so tired from a long week, sitting on your sofa in your softest pajamas, and suddenly your phone buzzes with a message from a friend saying: 'Hey!

MiaCan you come help me move a heavy sofa across town right now?'

RyanOh yes!

RyanThat exact situation happened to me just two weeks ago!

RyanIt was cold and raining outside, I had my warm socks on, and in my head, I was screaming: 'No!

RyanI want to stay on my couch and sleep!'

RyanBut what did my fingers type on the screen?

Ryan'Sure!

RyanI would love to help!

RyanSee you in ten minutes!'

Mia[laughs] Haha!

MiaWhy do we do that to ourselves?

MiaWe want to say no so badly, our body wants to sleep, but the word 'no' gets stuck in our throat, and a polite 'yes' comes out instead!

RyanIf you are listening to us today, and you often find yourself saying yes when you really want to say no, welcome!

RyanYou are definitely not alone.

MiaWe are so happy you are spending your day with us.

MiaToday, we are talking about why it is so hard to say no, why we feel bad when we say no to people, and how to protect our time and peace with simple, kind words.

RyanSo make yourself a warm cup of tea, get into a comfortable seat, and let's jump right into our conversation!

MiaRyan, why is that tiny two-letter word 'no' so hard for people to say?

RyanI think most of us want to be good friends.

RyanWe want people around us to be happy, and we want people to like us.

MiaYes!

MiaWhen someone asks us for a favor, our brain starts to worry right away.

MiaWe think: 'If I say no, will they get mad at me?

MiaWill they think I am mean or lazy?'

RyanRight.

RyanIn our head, we worry that saying no will make our friend feel hurt or disappointed.

MiaEven with small things!

MiaWhen a friend asks where we want to eat dinner, we often smile and say: 'Anything you want is great with me!'

RyanEven if they pick a super spicy noodle shop, and you cannot eat spicy food at all!

MiaHaha, exactly!

MiaYou sit at the table with tears in your eyes, drinking four glasses of cold water, smiling and saying: 'Mmm, this soup is wonderful!'

RyanWe do funny and crazy things just to avoid saying no, don't we?

MiaWe really do!

MiaHave you ever bought something at a store just because you were too shy to say no to the shop worker?

RyanOh, please do not remind me of my shopping mistakes!

RyanLast winter, I walked into a small clothing store just to stay out of the cold wind.

MiaWhat happened in the store, Ryan?

RyanA super friendly worker walked right up to me holding a bright orange winter hat with a big wool ball on top.

RyanHe smiled and said: 'This orange hat looks amazing with your jacket!'

MiaAnd did you actually like the bright orange hat?

RyanNo, Mia!

RyanI hate bright orange!

RyanI never wear bright hats.

RyanBut the worker was so nice, he smiled so big, and he brought over three different mirrors for me to look at!

MiaHaha!

MiaSo what did you do next?

RyanI felt so bad saying 'No thank you' after he worked so hard.

RyanSo I opened my wallet, paid twenty dollars, and walked out with the bright orange hat!

MiaHaha!

MiaA bright orange hat with a wool ball!

MiaHave you worn it even once outside?

Ryan[sighs] Never!

RyanNot even for one second!

RyanIt has been sitting in a dark box under my bed for six months.

RyanI paid twenty dollars just to avoid saying the simple words: 'Thank you, but I am just looking today.'

MiaI did the exact same thing at the mall last month, Ryan!

RyanReally?

RyanWhat did you buy at the mall, Mia?

MiaA woman at a small fruit stand gave me a free paper cup of strange green vegetable juice.

RyanDid it taste good?

MiaIt tasted like sour grass from the yard!

MiaMy face twisted, but she smiled warmly and said: 'Would you like to buy a big bottle for ten dollars?'

RyanAnd you could not say no to her sweet smile!

MiaI could not!

MiaI smiled, nodded, handed her ten dollars, and carried home a big cold bottle of sour grass juice that I never drank!

RyanIt sounds so funny when we tell these stories, but it shows how powerful that fear of saying no really is.

MiaIt really is.

MiaAnd what happens when we keep saying yes to every single person and every single request?

RyanOur personal energy goes down to zero.

MiaThink of your smartphone battery when the little icon turns red and shows only one percent.

RyanWhen your phone battery is at one percent, the screen gets dark, the apps stop working, and soon the phone turns off completely.

MiaThat is exactly what happens to our body and our mind!

MiaWhen you give all your hours and all your energy to other people, you have nothing left for yourself.

RyanYou wake up in the morning feeling tired before the day even starts.

RyanYou feel too tired to cook a nice meal, too tired to go for a walk, and too tired to enjoy your life.

MiaAnd there is another bad feeling that grows inside us: a quiet, secret anger.

RyanThat quiet anger is so real.

RyanYou feel annoyed at the other person, even though you were the one who agreed to help!

MiaYes!

MiaImagine it is Friday afternoon at work.

MiaIt is almost five o'clock, and you are getting ready to go home and eat pizza.

RyanAnd suddenly your coworker walks over to your desk with a giant stack of papers!

MiaYes!

MiaThey say: 'Hey, can you finish this long report for me before Monday morning?'

MiaAnd you smile nicely and say: 'Sure, no problem at all!'

RyanAnd then at eight o'clock on Friday night, you are sitting alone in the quiet office, hungry and tired, staring at their messy papers!

MiaYou look at the papers and you think: 'Why is my coworker doing this to me?

MiaWhy are they so lazy?'

RyanWhen the truth is, your coworker did not force you.

RyanThey only asked a simple question.

RyanYou had the choice to say no, but you gave that choice away.

MiaAnd that makes us feel upset with our coworker and upset with ourselves.

RyanWhen we say yes with our mouth, but our heart is screaming no, we are not being honest.

MiaIt creates fake smiles and secret bad feelings between friends and coworkers.

Ryan[curious] Mia, why do we feel so guilty when we say no?

RyanWhy do we feel like a bad person when we want to rest?

MiaI think many of us learned when we were young children that being a 'good person' means always putting other people first.

RyanYes!

RyanWe heard people say: 'Share your toys, help everyone, do not complain, always be nice.'

MiaBeing kind and helpful is a wonderful thing, of course.

MiaBut some people think that taking care of your own needs is selfish.

RyanIs taking care of yourself selfish, Mia?

MiaNot at all!

MiaThink of a simple water bottle.

RyanA water bottle?

RyanHow does that explain it?

MiaIf your water bottle is completely dry and empty, can you give any water to a thirsty friend on a hot day?

RyanNo, of course not!

RyanYou cannot pour water from an empty bottle.

MiaExactly!

MiaYou must fill your own bottle with clean, cold water first.

MiaOnly then do you have plenty of water to share with the people around you.

RyanI love that picture so much.

RyanResting, sleeping, and having quiet time is just filling your own water bottle.

MiaWhen you are well-rested and happy, you have more patience, more smiles, and real energy to help others.

RyanThat reminds me of another helpful picture: a small garden with a wooden fence.

MiaOh, tell us about the garden fence, Ryan!

RyanImagine you have a cute little house with a green front yard and colorful flowers.

MiaA lovely yard with red roses and yellow sunflowers!

RyanAround your yard, you build a small wooden fence with a little gate that opens and closes.

MiaThe fence is not a tall, dark stone wall that keeps everyone away.

RyanRight!

RyanIt is just a friendly wooden fence.

RyanWhen your good friends come to visit, you open the gate with a big smile and invite them in for tea and cookies.

MiaBut what if someone wants to throw empty soda cans on your clean grass, or a strange dog wants to dig up your flower beds?

RyanThen you keep the gate closed!

RyanYou say: 'Please do not come in here.'

MiaHaving a fence just means knowing where your personal space starts and ends.

MiaIt means knowing what is okay and what is not okay for you.

RyanIf you do not have a fence or a gate, anyone can walk through your front door at midnight, turn on the loud TV, and make a mess in your kitchen!

MiaAnd you would stand in the corner feeling angry at the world, when the real problem is that you never closed your front door!

RyanSaying no is just like closing your garden gate so you can sleep peacefully in your warm bed.

MiaThat is such a clear and comforting idea.

MiaYou are not hurting anyone; you are just protecting your home and your peace.

RyanMia, what about social plans on the weekend?

RyanSometimes we go to parties even when we are super tired because we worry our friends will have fun without us!

MiaOh, that worry is so common!

MiaYou sit on your sofa on a Saturday night, you open your phone, and you see photos of your friends eating pizza at a loud restaurant.

RyanAnd your brain says: 'Oh no!

RyanLook at them laughing and having fun!

RyanIf I stay home, I will be forgotten!'

MiaSo you jump up, pull on your jeans, drive through heavy traffic, and walk into the noisy party.

RyanAnd how do you feel ten minutes after you arrive at the party?

MiaThe room is too hot, the music hurts your ears, your feet hurt, and you spend the whole night wishing you were back home in your warm bed!

RyanHaha, yes!

RyanYou spent money on gas and food just to sit there feeling sleepy!

MiaHave you ever tried staying home on purpose and really enjoying your quiet night, Ryan?

Ryan[excited] Oh, staying home on purpose is one of my favorite things in the world!

MiaTell us what a perfect cozy night at home looks like for you.

RyanYou put your phone on silent mode.

RyanYou make a big mug of hot chocolate with small marshmallows.

RyanYou put on your softest pants, grab a warm blanket, and watch your favorite movie.

MiaAnd you do not care at all what people are doing on the internet.

MiaYou are just peaceful and happy right where you are.

RyanYou realize that missing a loud party is not a sad thing.

RyanIt is a wonderful gift of quiet rest.

MiaWhen you know that staying home feels so good, saying no to weekend plans becomes much easier.

RyanNow Mia, let's talk about the funny excuses people make up when they want to say no!

MiaOh, the crazy excuse trap!

MiaWhy do we feel like we have to tell a giant fake story just to decline an invite?

RyanBecause we feel like saying 'I am tired' or 'I want to rest' is not a good enough reason.

RyanWe think our friend will judge us.

MiaSo instead of telling the simple truth, our mind creates a whole Hollywood movie!

RyanHaha, yes!

RyanWhat kind of crazy excuses have you made up in the past, Mia?

MiaA few years ago, a friend asked me to go for a ten-mile run at six in the morning on a rainy Sunday!

RyanA ten-mile run in the rain at six in the morning?

RyanThat sounds like hard work!

MiaI wanted to say no, but I panicked!

MiaSo I told her: 'Oh, I wish I could!

MiaBut my washing machine started leaking water, and my uncle is coming over at six in the morning to help me fix the floor!'

Ryan[laughs] Haha!

RyanYour uncle is coming to fix a floor at six in the morning on a Sunday?

MiaIt sounded so silly as soon as I said it!

MiaBut I was too afraid to just say: 'I love sleeping late on Sundays.'

RyanThe big problem with making up complicated stories is that you have to remember your lies forever!

MiaYes!

MiaThree weeks later, my friend saw me and asked: 'Hey, did your uncle fix your floor?'

MiaAnd I looked at her with a blank face and thought: 'What uncle?

MiaWhat floor?'

RyanHaha!

RyanYou forgot your own movie story!

MiaIt is so much work and stress to keep track of fake excuses.

RyanThe wonderful truth is: you do not need a big, dramatic story.

RyanA short, honest, and kind answer is always the best choice.

MiaYou do not need to give a long explanation.

MiaYour time belongs to you.

RyanSo Mia, let's talk about practical, easy ways our listeners can say no in real daily life.

MiaLet's share simple English phrases that sound warm, polite, and natural!

RyanWhat is the first easy thing we can do when someone asks us for a favor right in front of us?

MiaThe first trick is to press a slow button in your mind.

RyanA slow button?

RyanHow does that work in a conversation?

MiaWhen someone asks: 'Can you help me paint my garage this Saturday?', do not answer in one second.

MiaTake a slow breath.

RyanThat is so helpful.

RyanBecause in the first second, our mouth wants to jump in and say 'Sure!' before our brain can even think.

MiaExactly.

MiaSo instead of saying yes right away, give yourself time.

MiaYou can say: 'Let me check my calendar and text you back later today.'

RyanOh, that is such a great phrase!

Ryan'Let me check my calendar and text you back later.'

MiaOr you can say: 'Let me think about that and let you know tonight.'

RyanWhen you say that, you can step away from the person calmly.

RyanYou can look at your weekend plans, check how tired you feel, and decide what you really want.

MiaAnd if you decide you cannot do it, you can send a kind, polite message from home without feeling nervous face-to-face.

RyanWhat is another gentle way to say no to an invitation, Mia?

MiaI love using what I call the 'friendly sandwich.'

Ryan[curious] A friendly sandwich!

RyanLike two slices of bread with something good in the middle?

MiaExactly!

MiaSlice one is a warm thank you.

MiaThe middle is your clear, gentle no.

MiaAnd slice two is a sweet closing wish.

RyanCan you give us a real example of how that sounds?

MiaSure!

MiaImagine a friend invites you to a birthday dinner this Friday, but you need to rest.

MiaYou can say: 'Thank you so much for the invite!

MiaI will not be able to make it this Friday, but I hope you have a wonderful birthday party!'

RyanThat is so smooth and kind!

RyanLet's look at why that works so well.

MiaYou started with a warm thank you: 'Thank you so much for the invite.'

MiaYou gave a clear answer: 'I will not be able to make it.'

MiaAnd you ended with warmth: 'Hope you have a wonderful birthday party!'

RyanNotice how you did not apologize ten times, you did not make up a story about a broken floor, and you were completely polite!

MiaIt is clean, honest, and friendly.

MiaNobody feels hurt.

MiaBut what if you really do want to see your friend, just on a different day?

RyanThen you can offer a different time that feels easier for you!

MiaHow would that sound in simple English?

RyanYou can say: 'I cannot come to dinner tonight because I am very tired from work, but would you like to grab a quick coffee with me on Sunday afternoon?'

MiaThat shows your friend that you truly value your friendship, while still respecting your need to rest tonight.

RyanAnd what if you do not want to meet up on Sunday afternoon either?

RyanThen do not suggest coffee on Sunday!

RyanJust keep it simple: 'Thank you for thinking of me, but I cannot make it this week.'

MiaRight!

MiaNever offer another plan just because you feel bad.

MiaOnly suggest it if you really want to go.

RyanNow Mia, what about in the workplace?

RyanHow can we say no to our boss or our coworkers without sounding rude or lazy?

Mia[serious] That is a very important question.

MiaAt work, you do not want to just say: 'No, I am not doing that.'

RyanThat might sound too sharp and cause unnecessary trouble!

MiaInstead, you can talk about the tasks you are already working on.

RyanHow would you say that to a manager in a simple and polite way?

MiaYou can say: 'I would be happy to help with this new task.

MiaRight now, I am finishing Report A and Report B.

MiaWhich one would you like me to pause so I can work on this new task first?'

RyanOh, that is brilliant!

RyanYou are not saying no to the work; you are asking your manager to help you choose what is most important!

MiaExactly!

MiaIt shows that you want to do a great job, and it helps your boss see how busy your day already is.

RyanIt keeps the conversation very calm, positive, and clear.

MiaWhat about when a friend asks to borrow money or your car, Ryan?

MiaThat can make people feel very uncomfortable!

RyanOh, borrowing money can quickly ruin even the closest friendships.

MiaHow do you handle that with a kind and simple answer?

RyanYou can use a simple personal rule!

RyanYou can say: 'I have a personal rule that I do not lend money to friends, because our friendship is too important to me.'

MiaWhen you say it is your personal rule, your friend understands that it is not about them personally.

MiaIt is just a rule you have for your own life.

RyanExactly.

RyanIt takes away the awkward feeling and makes your answer clear and final.

MiaNow Ryan, how can our listeners begin practicing saying no without feeling scared or stressed?

RyanMy advice is: start with tiny, easy situations in daily life where things are very simple!

MiaWhat is an easy daily situation where we can practice?

RyanThink about when you pay for groceries at the supermarket, and the cashier asks: 'Would you like a paper receipt?'

MiaMost people take the paper receipt without thinking, and then throw it in the trash bin outside the door!

RyanYes!

RyanSo next time, practice looking at the cashier with a friendly smile and saying: 'No thank you, I am good today!'

MiaOr when you are walking down the street, and someone tries to hand you an advertising paper for a gym!

RyanInstead of taking the paper just to be polite, smile and say: 'No thank you, have a nice day!'

MiaEvery time you say that little 'no thank you' with a smile, your confidence grows a little bit bigger.

RyanIt is like lifting a small two-pound weight before you try to lift a heavy fifty-pound box.

MiaAnd you teach your brain a very important lesson: when you say no politely, nobody gets angry, nobody yells, and the sky does not fall down!

RyanThe world keeps turning, the sun keeps shining, and people smile back at you.

MiaAnd here is an interesting secret: people actually respect you more when you have clear limits.

RyanWhy do you think that is, Mia?

MiaBecause when you always say yes to everything, people know you are just agreeing out of habit or fear.

RyanThat is so true.

RyanBut when someone knows you are able to say no, when you finally say: 'Yes, I would love to come to your party!', they know your yes is one hundred percent real and honest.

MiaThey know you are truly happy to be there with them, and that makes your time together much more special.

RyanNow, what about that nervous feeling in your stomach right after you send a message saying no?

MiaOh, that little wave of nervousness is so common!

MiaYour heart beats a little fast, and your brain wonders: 'Oh no, did I sound rude?'

RyanHere is something important to remember: that nervous feeling usually only lasts for about five minutes!

MiaFive minutes of feeling a little nervous is so much better than spending four long hours at a party you did not want to attend!

RyanThe five minutes will pass quickly, and then you get to enjoy a whole peaceful evening resting at home.

Mia[whispers] Take three slow, deep breaths, drink a sip of warm tea, and let that nervous feeling pass away quietly.

RyanRemind yourself: 'I am allowed to rest.

RyanI am allowed to have quiet time.

RyanI am allowed to say no.'

MiaRemember, saying no to the things you do not want is how you say yes to the things that truly matter in your life.

RyanFill your water bottle, take good care of your little garden, and be kind to yourself every single day.

MiaThank you so much for spending your time with us on Cocoa English Podcast today!

RyanWe hope you enjoyed today's chat and found some helpful, simple English phrases for your daily life.

MiaKeep listening, keep practicing your English with us, and protect your peace!

RyanHave a wonderful, restful, and peaceful week, everyone!

MiaBye-bye!

MiaSee you next time!

RyanGoodbye everyone!