How to Stop Comparing and Find Peace on Your Own Timeline

5 phrases from “Why You Feel Behind in Life”

Each phrase has a plain explanation and real lines from the show. Tap “Hear it” to jump to that moment.

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00:00Intro

MiaHello and welcome to Cocoa English Podcast!

MiaRyan, let me ask you a question.

MiaHave you ever been lying in bed late at night, looking at your phone, and suddenly you see that an old school friend just bought a big house, another friend got a new high-paying job, and someone else just got married on a sunny beach?

Ryan[sighs] Oh, yes!

RyanThat happens all the time!

RyanYou are sitting on your sofa in your old pajamas, eating potato chips at eleven at night, and suddenly you feel a little sad.

RyanYou think: "What am I doing with my life?

RyanWhy does everyone else have everything figured out?"

MiaIf you are listening to us right now, and you have ever felt like you are running late in life, or like everyone else is moving faster than you, you are not alone at all.

RyanWe are so happy you are spending time with us today.

RyanIn this episode of Cocoa English Podcast, we are talking about why you feel behind in life, why we feel so much pressure about our age, and how you can find peace on your own personal timeline.

MiaSo make yourself a warm cup of tea, sit back, relax, and let's jump right into today's conversation!

RyanMia, why do so many people feel like they are falling behind, even when they work hard every single day?

MiaI think it starts when we are very young.

MiaIn school, life feels like a staircase.

RyanA staircase!

RyanThat is a great picture.

RyanHow does the school staircase work?

MiaThink about our childhood.

MiaIn school, everything has a clear schedule.

MiaAt age six, you start first grade.

MiaAt age twelve, you go to middle school.

MiaAt eighteen, you finish high school and maybe go to college.

RyanThat is so true!

RyanEvery single year, the whole class moves up together to the next step.

RyanIf you pass your tests, you move up.

RyanEverything is clear and simple.

MiaExactly!

MiaBut then, you finish school, and suddenly the staircase stops.

MiaYou step out into the real world, and there is no map, no single path, and no teacher telling you what to do next.

RyanAnd that is when people start to worry!

RyanIn the real world, some people run fast, some people walk slowly, some people change their direction, and some people sit down on the grass to think.

MiaBut our brain is still thinking like a student in school!

MiaWe look around and think: "Wait, why is that person ten steps ahead of me?

MiaDid I make a mistake?

MiaAm I falling behind?"

RyanPeople often talk about an unwritten rule in our culture.

RyanThey call it the social timeline or the life clock.

MiaThe life clock!

MiaLet's talk about what that means for our listeners.

RyanIt is an invisible schedule that tells us when we are supposed to do big things in life.

MiaYes!

MiaPeople say: "You should get a good job at twenty-two.

MiaYou should buy an apartment at thirty.

MiaYou should get married at thirty-two."

RyanRight!

RyanAnd if you are twenty-eight or thirty-five and you have not done those things, a little voice inside your head starts shouting: "Beep beep!

RyanYou are late!

RyanYou are behind schedule!"

Mia[curious] But who made this schedule in the first place?

MiaWho decided that every person on Earth has to follow the exact same calendar?

RyanNobody made it, Mia!

RyanIt is just an old habit from long ago, when life was very simple and people did not have many choices.

MiaMany years ago, most people worked at the same job for forty years and lived in the same small town their whole lives.

RyanBut today, the world is totally different!

RyanPeople change jobs, learn new skills, move to new cities, and find new dreams at thirty, forty, or fifty.

MiaThere is a very important word we use when we talk about these big life events: milestone.

RyanMilestone!

RyanThat is such a common word in daily English.

RyanLet's explain what a milestone is.

MiaA milestone is a big, important event in your life, like finishing school, renting your first apartment, or starting a new job.

RyanLong ago, people put stone markers on the side of the road every mile to show travelers how far they walked.

MiaToday, a milestone shows your personal progress.

MiaBut the problem is, many people treat a milestone like a race with a strict deadline.

RyanWhen you treat life like a race with a deadline, you cannot enjoy your days.

RyanYou only feel worry and stress about the next step.

MiaNow Ryan, let's talk about the biggest reason people feel behind today: social media on our phones.

RyanOh, social media!

RyanThat little phone screen in our pocket makes almost everyone feel behind at some point.

MiaWhy does looking at our phones make us feel so small and sad?

RyanBecause social media only shows one small part of life.

RyanThere is a helpful saying: "Never compare your messy everyday life with someone else's best moments."

Mia"Do not compare your messy everyday life with their best moments!"

MiaThat is so wise.

MiaLet's explain what that means.

RyanThink about making a movie.

RyanBehind the scenes, everything is messy.

RyanThe room is messy, the actors are tired, coffee spills on the floor, and people make twenty mistakes.

MiaAnd what do people see on the movie screen?

RyanThey only see the exciting two-minute preview with great music, big smiles, and perfect lights!

MiaThat is such a clear picture!

MiaIn our daily life, we know all our own messy parts.

MiaWe see our messy bedroom, our tired face in the morning, our worries about money, and our quiet, boring Tuesday afternoons.

RyanBut when we open an app on our phone, we only see other people's best three seconds!

RyanWe see their sunny vacation, their shiny new car, their job celebration, or their fancy dinner.

MiaAnd our brain compares our messy Monday morning to their single happiest day of the year!

RyanThat is not fair to yourself at all.

RyanNobody posts photos of sitting on the floor crying, feeling lonely on a Friday night, or failing a job interview.

MiaI have a funny true story about this, Ryan!

MiaA couple of years ago, I saw a photo of a friend in front of the Eiffel Tower in Paris.

MiaShe was wearing a pretty dress, holding a croissant, and smiling happily in the sunshine.

RyanYou probably looked at that photo and thought: "Wow, her life is so wonderful and exciting while I am sitting at home folding socks!"

MiaYes, exactly!

MiaI felt a little sad and left behind.

MiaBut two months later, we met for coffee, and she told me the real story of that day.

RyanWhat was the real story?

MiaShe told me that the airline lost all her bags, she had a terrible head cold, she was fighting with her friend, and right after that photo was taken, a bird flew over and dropped something right on her new jacket!

Ryan[laughs] That is hilarious!

RyanA bird dropped on her jacket, but the photo looked like a perfect dream!

MiaPhotos on a screen never tell the whole story.

MiaWhen we look at someone from the outside, we only see the clean front door.

MiaWe never see the messy kitchen inside.

RyanWhen we see someone else doing well, we sometimes feel jealous.

MiaJealous!

MiaThat is a very normal human feeling, but it can make your heart hurt.

RyanTo feel jealous means you feel sad, unhappy, or upset because someone else has something that you wish you had.

MiaFor example, when your coworker buys a nice new house and you are still renting a tiny room, you might feel a pinch of jealous feeling inside.

RyanBut here is a kind and helpful way to think about it: feeling jealous does not mean you are a bad person.

RyanIt is just a clue about what you really want.

MiaTell me more about that, Ryan!

MiaWhat do you mean by a clue?

RyanWhen you feel jealous of someone, stop and ask yourself: "What is this feeling telling me?"

RyanIf you feel jealous of a friend traveling, it might mean you need a fun trip or a break.

RyanIf you feel jealous of a friend playing guitar, it might mean you want to learn music too!

MiaSo instead of feeling bad and bitter, you can use that feeling like a signpost that points to your own dreams!

RyanYes!

RyanTurn that feeling into positive energy.

RyanSay good job to your friend, and let it remind you of what you can do too.

MiaThat brings us to another big habit that hurts our happiness: the habit to compare.

RyanAn old president once said: "Comparison is the thief of joy."

Mia"Comparison is the thief of joy."

MiaThat is one of my favorite sentences.

MiaWhy does it steal our joy?

RyanBecause no matter how good your life is, the moment you compare yourself to someone else, your happiness goes away.

MiaLet me share a simple story that I love: The Cookie Story.

Ryan[excited] The Cookie Story?

RyanI love cookies!

RyanPlease tell us about the cookie.

MiaImagine you walk into a warm bakery on a rainy afternoon.

MiaYou buy a fresh, warm chocolate chip cookie.

MiaIt smells sweet, the chocolate is melting, and you take a bite.

MiaIt is so delicious!

MiaYou feel very happy.

RyanThat sounds like a wonderful moment!

MiaBut then, you look at the table next to you.

MiaThe person sitting there has a huge plate with three big slices of chocolate cake covered in strawberries and cream.

RyanOh no!

RyanWhat happens in your head?

MiaSuddenly, you look down at your cookie.

MiaFive seconds ago, your cookie was great.

MiaBut now, you think: "My cookie is so small and boring.

MiaWhy don't I have cake?

MiaMy life is so unfair!"

RyanEven though your cookie did not change at all!

RyanIt is still warm, sweet, and delicious.

MiaExactly!

MiaThe cookie stayed the same, but your happiness disappeared the second you looked at the other table.

RyanThat happens to all of us every day.

RyanWe have a cozy room, good food, and kind friends.

RyanBut we look at someone else's bigger apartment or expensive trip, and suddenly we feel like we do not have enough.

MiaWhen we compare ourselves all the time, we start to feel unsure of ourselves.

RyanYes, we start to doubt ourselves.

RyanWe worry that we are not smart enough or successful enough.

MiaAnd then we look for other people to tell us: "You are doing great!

MiaYou are good enough!"

RyanBut asking other people to make you feel good is like putting water into a cup with a hole in the bottom.

RyanIt never stays full.

MiaReal peace only comes when you accept your own starting point and move at your own speed.

RyanMoving at your own speed!

RyanEvery person has their own natural pace in life.

MiaThink about nature, Ryan.

MiaDo all flowers bloom on the exact same day in spring?

RyanNo, of course not!

RyanCherry blossoms open early in April, roses bloom in June, and bright sunflowers stand tall in August.

MiaAnd nobody walks up to a sunflower in April and shouts: "Hey, wake up!

MiaWhy are you not blooming?

MiaThe cherry blossom is already blooming!

MiaYou are falling behind!"

Ryan[giggles] Haha, that would be so silly!

RyanA sunflower is not trying to be a cherry blossom.

RyanIt is just waiting for its own warm summer sun.

MiaWe understand this so easily when we look at plants in a garden, but we forget to give the same kindness to ourselves.

RyanYes!

RyanJust like flowers, different people grow and bloom at different times in their lives.

MiaThat reminds me of a sweet personal story about my neighbor, Mrs.

MiaJenkins.

RyanMrs.

RyanJenkins?

RyanTell us about her!

MiaMrs.

MiaJenkins worked in a bank office for thirty-five years.

MiaShe was busy, she raised two kids, and she never had time for art.

MiaBut when she turned sixty, she decided to buy a set of paintbrushes and some watercolor paint.

RyanAt age sixty?

RyanThat is amazing!

RyanDid she know how to paint before that?

MiaNot at all!

MiaAt first, her paintings were just messy lines and muddy colors on paper.

MiaSome people might say: "Why start painting now?

MiaYou are sixty years old!"

RyanBut she kept practicing every week, right?

MiaYes!

MiaShe painted in her small kitchen every Saturday morning for five years.

MiaLast month, our local library put up ten of her beautiful flower paintings on the wall, and she had the biggest smile on her face!

RyanThat is so inspiring!

RyanIt shows that there is no age limit on trying new things, finding joy, or starting a new hobby.

MiaExactly.

MiaAnd Ryan, you have a great story about your friend who changed careers, right?

RyanYes, my friend Mark!

RyanIn his twenties, Mark worked in a computer repair shop.

RyanBut he always felt tired and unhappy with his daily work.

MiaWhat did Mark decide to do?

RyanWhen Mark was thirty-four, while all his friends were buying cars and settling down, Mark decided to go back to school to learn how to bake bread and pastries.

Mia[gasp] That must have felt very scary for him!

RyanIt was very scary!

RyanAt first, he felt like he was falling far behind his old friends.

RyanHe was thirty-four and sitting in a classroom with eighteen-year-olds.

MiaBut he stayed on his own path!

RyanHe did!

RyanNow, at age forty, Mark runs a small neighborhood bakery.

RyanEvery morning, the street smells like fresh warm bread, and Mark loves his life.

RyanHe told me: "I was never late.

RyanI just needed time to find what I love."

MiaWhat a wonderful lesson.

MiaGrowth on the inside takes time, and quiet years of learning are never wasted years.

RyanThat brings us to a phrase people say all the time: "I need to catch up."

MiaCatch up!

MiaWe hear people say this every week: "I need to catch up with my friends.

MiaI am falling behind in my career."

RyanBut Mia, let's think about what catching up really means.

RyanYou can only catch up if everyone is running in the same race on the same running track.

MiaBut life is not a simple hundred-meter race on a school track!

RyanExactly!

RyanLife is an open world with many different roads.

RyanYour friend might want to live in a busy city and work in a big glass office building.

MiaAnd you might want to live in a quiet town near the sea, walk your dog in the morning, and plant tomatoes in your garden.

RyanHow can you be behind someone when you are walking toward a completely different place?

MiaYou cannot be behind them!

MiaIf you are driving south to the warm beach, and someone else is driving north to the snowy mountains, you are not late or behind.

MiaYou are just on a different road.

RyanThat is such a relieving thought.

RyanIt reminds me of the rule in swimming: stay in your own lane.

MiaStay in your own lane!

MiaWhy is that so important for swimmers in a pool?

RyanIn a swimming pool, every swimmer has their own narrow lane with ropes on both sides.

RyanSwim coaches always tell them: "Never turn your head to look at the swimmer next to you."

MiaWhat happens if a swimmer turns their head to check on the other person?

RyanWhen they turn their head, their body loses balance, their arms slow down, water gets into their mouth, and they lose speed immediately!

MiaLooking at the other lane slows you down in your own lane.

RyanExactly!

RyanThe best way to swim is to look straight down at the line at the bottom of the pool and focus on your own rhythm.

MiaThat is such a great lesson for our daily life.

MiaKeep your eyes on your own lane, and focus on your own daily steps.

RyanYes!

RyanNow Mia, let's share five simple, practical habits our listeners can use whenever they start feeling behind.

MiaI love practical tips!

MiaLet's give our listeners five easy tools they can use today.

RyanHabit number one: Clean up your social media apps.

MiaIf following certain accounts on your phone makes you feel sad, poor, or not good enough, tap the unfollow button!

RyanYour phone should be a helpful tool, not a place that makes you feel bad about yourself.

RyanGive yourself permission to unfollow or mute anything that causes stress.

MiaHabit number two: Make a "Look How Far I Came" list.

RyanA "Look How Far I Came" list!

RyanHow does that work, Mia?

MiaMost people only make lists of things they have not done yet.

MiaInstead, take a piece of paper and write down three things you have learned or finished in the last two years.

RyanWrite down the new skills you learned, the hard days you got through, or the new friends you made.

MiaWhen you look at that list, you will see: "Look at that!

MiaI have made real progress.

MiaI am doing better than I thought."

RyanHabit number three: Enjoy a quiet night at home.

MiaSometimes, we feel worried that everyone is out having fun at parties while we are sitting at home on the sofa.

RyanBut staying home can be pure joy!

RyanPut on soft clothes, make a cup of warm tea, read a good book, or watch a movie you love.

MiaYou do not have to be everywhere or do everything.

MiaA quiet evening at home is a wonderful gift to yourself.

RyanHabit number four: Focus on small daily steps, not big speed.

MiaYou do not need to change your whole life in one day.

MiaIf you read two pages of an English book today, or walk for ten minutes outside, you are moving forward.

RyanA person who walks a few steps every day in the right direction will reach their goal, while someone running in circles goes nowhere.

MiaAnd habit number five: Speak to yourself like a kind friend.

Ryan[whispers] Whenever that quiet voice in your mind says: "You are too slow, you are behind everyone else," pause and ask: "Would I ever say that to my best friend?"

MiaNever!

MiaYou would tell your best friend: "You are doing your best.

MiaTake your time.

MiaEverything will be okay."

RyanGive that exact same kindness to yourself every single day.

MiaRyan, this brings us to one of our favorite parts of every Cocoa episode: our Word Walk!

RyanYes, let's take a peaceful stroll through five wonderful words and phrases we used in our conversation today so you can use them in your daily English.

MiaOur first word today is: compare.

RyanCompare.

RyanListen to the sound and stress: com-PARE.

MiaTo compare is a verb.

MiaIt means to look at two people or things to see how they are the same or how they are different.

RyanIn our episode, we talked about how easy it is to compare our own life with other people on social media.

RyanFor example: 'Try not to compare your test score with your classmate.'

MiaOur second word today is: timeline.

RyanTimeline.

RyanListen to the two clear parts: TIME-line.

MiaA timeline is a noun.

MiaIt means a plan or schedule that shows when things are expected to happen.

RyanIn our chat, we talked about how everyone has their own personal timeline in life.

RyanFor example: 'She has a clear timeline to save money and buy a car next year.'

MiaOur third word today is: milestone.

RyanMilestone.

RyanListen to the stress on the first part: MILE-stone.

MiaA milestone is a noun.

MiaIt means an important event or special stage in your life or work.

RyanIn our conversation, we said that renting your first apartment or finishing school is a big milestone.

RyanFor example: 'Learning how to drive was a huge milestone for my sister.'

MiaOur fourth word today is: jealous.

RyanJealous.

RyanListen to the first sound: JEAL-ous.

MiaJealous is an adjective.

MiaIt means feeling sad or unhappy because someone else has something that you want.

RyanIn our chat, we explained that feeling jealous is normal, and it can show us what we really care about.

RyanFor example: 'Sam felt a little jealous when his friend got a new bicycle.'

MiaAnd our fifth phrase today is a very common phrasal verb: catch up.

RyanCatch up.

RyanTwo short, friendly words: catch up.

MiaTo catch up means to reach the same level, place, or speed as someone who was ahead of you.

RyanIn our episode, we talked about why we should not feel pressure to catch up with other people's lives.

RyanFor example: 'I walked faster to catch up with my brother on the street.'

MiaThose five words—compare, timeline, milestone, jealous, and catch up—are so helpful for talking about your feelings, your goals, and your daily life!

RyanMia, as we finish our conversation today, what is one warm thought you want to leave with our listeners?

Mia[serious] I want everyone listening to remember this: You are not late, and you are not early.

MiaYou are right on time for your own life.

RyanYour life is your own story, not a race against anyone else.

RyanBe proud of your small steps every day, and be patient with yourself.

MiaWe would love to hear from you!

MiaWhat is one small milestone or good thing you did recently that made you feel happy?

RyanSend us a message or share your story with us.

RyanWe love reading your words and cheering you on!

MiaThank you so much for listening to Cocoa English Podcast today.

MiaTake care of yourself, have a wonderful day, and we will see you next time!

RyanHave a peaceful week, everyone!

RyanGoodbye!

MiaGoodbye!

MiaSee you soon!

RyanBye-bye!